Because of Him

I have decided that it's time to blog again.  My life has forever changed since the death of my beautiful daughter, Jessica. I have changed.  My grief has changed again and again.  A lot has happened since I last blogged.  My middle son, Brandon, went on a mission to Oregon last year.  It has been such a blessing for him and for us.  He is doing the Lord's work and is really enjoying his mission.  I will post photos that he has sent soon but for today I wanted to post a couple of videos about Easter and the journey that I am on right now.

Easter was two days ago and the sacrifices that our Savior made for us all have been in the front of my mind.  My aunt LaRae died on April 7th, one day after General Conference.  I love her and her family so much!  LaRae is my mom's younger sister.  LaRae and Lamon have lived 2 hours away for many years.  LaRae has a son named Todd who is Jessica's age.  It was awesome to be pregnant at the same time as my aunt.  In many ways I feel as though Todd is like one of my own sons.  He is good friends with all my three of my sons and LaRae would bring him to family functions here when my mom would come to town.  It was good to see Todd and offer support to him, his siblings and his dad, Lamon at the funeral last week.  LaRae fought a valiant fight against cancer and as her health declined it brought back memories to me of when my own daughter was dying.  During this time a dear friend's daughter is also dying.  Jessi (my friend Jen's daughter) was born with CHD, hydrocephalus, down syndrome, and more.  Jessi has been battling leukemia for the last couple of years and the chemo has damaged her already compromised heart.  Jessi is in the hospital and doesn't have much time left.  Going through this with her mom, Jen, has also been very hard for me.  

With all this disease and death so near to my heart I have had to fight flashbacks of when Jessica died.  It's something that I know I will have to deal with since I have PTSD.  When I said good bye to my dear aunt, it felt like I said good bye to my daughter all over again.  I sobbed the whole two hour trip home.  I was ready for Jessica to come back now.  I was exhausted physically and emotionally.  Three days later, on Saturday, all my family got together at my brother's house to celebrate Easter.  I had gotten some rest by then and was feeling much better.  We had a wonderful time at my brother Stuart's house and I could feel my family's love.  I knew I could push forward again.

My husband and I went to church the next day and I went home feeling the Savior's love even more.  The missionaries come to our house every Sunday and I had found a couple of videos to share with Karl, Austin and the Elders.  We were all touched by the Spirit of the Lord and I knew without a doubt that the Savior suffered and died for our sins.  He rose from the dead so that we can all live again.  I will be with my daughter, my aunt, my nephew, my cousin, my grandparents and ALL those loved ones again one day.  I have the opportunity to repent so that I can be with them for all eternity.  Knowing this brings hope to my weary heart.   

The following video is John the Beloved's witness of Jesus Christ's ministry, His suffering in the garden of Gethsemane, crucifixion and resurrection.  It is hard to see even just a portion of what Christ went through in order to pay for our sins and to die the way he did.  The brutality of it all can be overwhelming but to see Him after He was resurrected is an incredible feeling.  I hope you feel the love of our Savior while watching this video.  Sometimes I can't believe that He went through all that for ME!  He did it for you, too.   

Happy Easter - my thoughts today

I am so thankful for this day - a day to remember that not only did Christ die on the cross for us, but that he gave us the gift of resurrection. One day my daughter will have a body that will not fail her. She will run and play and dance to her heart's content. She won't need oxygen or even glasses (but she says she may want to wear glasses just to look pretty! lol). Of course I can't help but think of my dear nephew, Marcus, too. Jessica dreams of him every night and misses him so much. She is longing to spend time with him and be free of her daily pains.... but she still loves life and her family. We spent time with our Jensen grandparents last night and it was wonderful having them here. I'll post more about that later - including a few pictures.

The following is a wonderful slide show called Reflections of Christ. I felt it was perfect for this day: Easter. The promise of new life. I love this day.



May you find comfort and peace in the message Christ brings. I sure do.

Jessica's GI appointment: caution... poop mentioned

Jessica had an appointment with the peds GI doctor this last week. Jessica's retired Peds Cardiologist, Dr. D., (who diagnosed her at the age of 2 weeks and has been her PC for 20 years!) came to the appointment with us! He had told me before he retired to keep in touch and let him know of any appointments and that he would see if he could meet us there. We had heard that he still goes to the clinic where we see both the GI doc and the PC (peds cardiology) and helps them out. I emailed Dr. D and he met us there. He knows the GI doctor and has worked with him for years.

I had noticed the week before that she has gained a few pounds and thought it could be congestive heart failure and retaining fluid. The Peds Cardiologist (PC) checked her for edema and it wasn't too terribly bad - so no increase on the meds for it. Well, I think we figured out where she's retaining it... in her belly. Even though she is on Miralax (1 1/2 - 2 doses per day), she is still not emptying her bowels completely. The GI doctor wants us to flush her out. He originally said that with children he has them take a dose of miralax every 20 minutes for 8 doses!!! I just sat there dumbfounded. That's a heckuvalot of Miralax! The GI doc told us that it's the safest way for kids and that it works. He uses this method all the time with children.

Jessica's main problems at this time are twofold: one) she doesn't have the energy to push out the poop (see, I told you it was mentioned!) and b) her bowels are sluggish due to the Ischemia. Even though I make sure that she isn't constipated, it's still really hard for her to "go". Several times a day I rub her tummy to help her pass the stools a little easier.

After all was said and done, it was decided that since Jess has fluid issues and can become dehydrated easily, that we will do 4 doses one day and 4 doses the next. Only clear fluids during that time and a soft dinner the night in between the 2 days. It's going to be a really hard thing for Jess to go through... and me too. I'll have to be with her the whole time. She always needs my help with potty stuff and won't let anyone else in there with her... not even her favorite nurses. I'm also going to have to keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't get too dehydrated. Jess has been eating more lately - which is good - only it's going to make it harder for her to go through this cleansing process. The GI doc said that we didn't need to do it right away but soon - probably when my hubby would be here to help me out. I am NOT looking forward to this but the GI doc and the PC both said that Jess will feel MUCH better once it's done.

I've read online that ischemia of the bowels can greatly increase the chances of developing an obstruction. The GI doctor said that the cleansing will really help to prevent that. He also told me what the symptoms are of an obstruction. I am just praying she doesn't have to go through that!

I'm not sure why she has to go through all this bowel stuff on top of her heart problems. It just doesn't seem fair. It's becoming more and more of a chore for her to just go poop. I've been committed to helping her the last 20 years, I'm sure not going to stop now! I'm just concerned that I'm soon going to have to BE committed! haha!

The visit went pretty well though and Jess seemed cheerful. She was so excited to see Dr. D again and she loves the GI doc. I like his compliments... he said I don't look old enough to have a 20 yr old daughter so I think we'll keep him. While we were at the clinic Jess wanted to go over to the cardiology side of the building so we did. We saw the PC nurse whom we've known since Jess was a baby.... she had been at the out-reach clinics the last two times we had come into the office so it had been awhile since we had seen her. Dr. K (who did Jessica's last cardiac cath 5 yrs ago) was there and chatted with us and then some of our friends came around the corner! I knew they had an upcoming appointment but didn't know what day it was for. (OK, I had the email but had only had time to skim it and didn't pay attention to the day nor time). So we got to see them too!

After the appointment we went to IHOP for lunch with our dear friend, Susan from Tu Nidito. Susan and her husband, Randy, are volunteers at Tu Nidito and we've known them for about 9 years! They are so sweet! Anyway, we like to go to lunch with Susan every couple of months or so but with Jessica's health declining and the germs out there during the winter, it's been quite some time since we've gone out. Susan has brought us lunch from McDonald's but it's just not the same. We had a nice lunch, came back home and had naps. We are still trying to recover from our outing! Jess gets over-tired and then the pain sets in. She got me up early this morning and I'm still trying to get back to bed. I keep getting phone calls which is delaying my going back to bed.

Our computer had a virus (OK... 200+ viruses!) and was in the shop for almost 3 weeks! After I got it back, I couldn't find any of my old emails. We took it back to the shop this morning and they can't find them either. The main reason I need the emails is because I have saved some CM orders on them and didn't print them up and I need them for taxes! I should have printed them all up and put them in a safe place... I know. I'm also frustrated that I accidentally washed my cell phone so it died, and I lost all my saved phone numbers on there. I think I'm getting my butt kicked here. Here's the score:

concentration: 0
sleep: 0
pain: 100
confusion: 75 (I'm being easy on myself here. lol)
feeling like a dufus: 50

haha... ok, I'm just being silly. I'm not really as "down" as I seem, I just feel overwhelmed a bit.

My in-laws are bringing dinner to us this evening. We usually like to go to their house the day before Easter and have a little Easter egg hunt (plastic eggs filled with candy that grandma puts together and grandpa hides)... but since it is stormy and Jess just doesn't have the stamina to walk around much trying to find the eggs, they are going to bring dinner to us and spend some time here. Jessica LOVES looking for and finding the eggs but has felt bad because she gets so short of breath and feels horrible when trying to do so. We have even brought the egg hunt into the house and hid the eggs in just one room and it's too much for her. Grandma is putting a little basket together for her and will tell her that the Easter Bunny knows how hard it is for her to find the eggs so he left the basket at her house. I'm sure she'll have plenty of candy for the boys too. They don't care about finding the eggs anymore - just the candy. LOL My MIL realizes how tired I am and doesn't want me to have to cook. I'm so glad they are bringing dinner and are going to spend time here. They live about 20 - 25 minutes from us and I hope they drive safely in this rain.

Hope everyone has a great weekend and a Happy Easter. Thanks for stopping by!

Hoppy Easter!

I saw an Easter card several years ago with a cute little bunny hopping around, delivering easter eggs with the saying, "Hoppy Easter" and I've liked saying it ever since. Our family celebrates Easter with a little bit of the Easter Bunny, hunting eggs and eating candy, but we also focus on the spiritual aspect and how Jesus Christ suffered for our sins in the Garden of Gethsemane, He not only died but was resurrected so that we might live again. I'm so very thankful for these gifts. I know that life goes on even after death and that through Him we can live together as families and friends forever.

Miss Jessica said to me today, "Mom, I'm glad I'm still alive so that I can celebrate Easter with you today."

Me: "Me too.

Jess: "When I'm in heaven, will you still celebrate Easter?"

Me: "You bet we will and we will think of you! We will think about you every single day."

Jess smiles.

We spent the evening with the Jensen grandparents yesterday as is our Easter family tradition. Our families attend church at different times (we live in different wards - different stakes, actually) and it's less stress to get together on Saturday than on Sunday. As tradition has it, Grandma bought some plastic eggs and put candy in them for the kids to hunt. Grandpa usually hides the eggs on their back patio but it is a somewhat large area and Jessica was so worried that she would get too tired and short of breath "like I did last year" so the grandparents hid the eggs in the family room. Jessica, Brandon and Austin had fun hunting for the eggs and grandma had made one bag of candy for Justen since he is too old for easter egg hunting. Grandma and Grandpa cooked a wonderful turkey dinner with all the fixin's. It was delicious. As Grandpa said the prayer he thanked the Lord for the blessing of being together as a family and sharing the love that we have for each other. I teared up as I too am truly thankful for my family (Karl's family too of course) and the times we get together.
Here are some pictures of our time together yesterday. Enjoy:

Grandpa Jensen and Jessica


Jess finding an easter egg.


Austin found one! I think the angle on this picture was kind of cool


No, Brandon, Maracas are NOT easter eggs. hehe..


Jessica holding one of the easter eggs she found - which happens to match her cute blouse.
(her finger-tips are kinda "blue" from lack of oxygen due to her heart defects)


Brandon sporting his new hat. Previously known as the basket grandma gave him to put his easter eggs in.


"Don't take a picture of me de-boning the turkey!" hehe... Sorry, but I love ya, honey. You are too cute in your farmer john overalls so I had to take the picture. Besides, I now have proof that you do help in the kitchen.... sometimes, anyway.


Brandon and Jessica saying good-bye to grandma after a wonderful evening together.