Sunday, February 04, 2007

Friends or Foe?

I read this post: My friends, my enemies tonight. "I stumbled" onto this message while reading a blog that I frequent. I followed a link from one blog onto another, then onto another, so on and so forth until I ended up reading what the author wrote especially for me. (ok, I'm not that conceited but I really do feel that God led me to it)

The author talks about her two so-called friends called Self-Doubt and Jealousy. Towards the end she says, "At least I see beyond their straight teeth and glossy hair and recognize these two for what they are. Jealousy and Self-Doubt are poison, the kind of poison that looks pretty and tastes sweet, but which will burn my tongue like hot sauce and sear my soul like a toxic acid." She also said: "With friends like these, who needs Satan?"

WOW. This is exactly what I needed tonight. This week has been a difficult one and I had more problems today dealing with a rude person who works at our pharmacy. As I was talking to him on the phone, trying to explain that Jessica has two insurance companies and the 2nd one pays the copay for the first he kept cutting me off and wouldn't listen. He raised his voice at me and I started shaking. I told him to LISTEN and tried again to explain how he needed to go about fixing the problem but he kept cutting me off and insisted that I have to contact the insurance company myself next week. I told him that I wanted to talk to a supervisor. He was upset and either hung up on me or accidentally lost the connection. I decided that I would get dressed (I was still in my jammies and robe having been up with a very emotional daughter until 4am) and that I would go down to the pharmacy and talk to a supervisor in person. As I went into my bedroom I was getting more and more upset. I decided to get down on my knees and pray. I haven't been doing that very often lately. I needed strength and I needed peace. Karl came back to check on me. I had started to calm down but when Karl came in and asked if I was ok I burst into tears. "I am so tired of the whole world ganging up on us!" I cried. All I want to do is take care of my sick child. (I wrote a long post a few days ago, I think I'm broken, telling of how the nursing agency and Jessica's case manager seem to be trying to accuse us of misusing their services. Now how am I supposed to contact the case manager and have her help us fix the problem with her insurance company not paying the copay? We have had so many stupid things go wrong lately that it's getting overwhelming.) Karl and I talked and after a bit we prayed together. I felt much more calm and decided that I would shower and get ready to run some other errands before heading to the pharmacy.

As I was putting my things into my SUV I saw my next-door neighbor's nephew outside. My neighbor is struggling with colon cancer and is not doing very well. I asked the nephew if his aunt was awake and he said yes, go on in. So I went in and visited with her. This sweet lady is so sick .... but is still trying to have a good attitude. We talked for a little while and I asked her if there was anything I could get for her since I was going to the store. She actually said yes! I was so happy that she would allow me to do something for her. She wanted some carnation instant breakfast and ice cream. She needs some calories and hopefully she can keep this down. As I was about to leave her home Jessica called me. I was going to return her i-dog that she got for Christmas and is now broken and she wanted to see if I had exchanged it yet. She didn't know I was next-door. lol She chattered on asking me to tell our neighbor to feel better and never give up! And how she was going to draw a picture for her to help her feel better. Just hearing her voice made our neighbor and I smile. Such innocence and love!

I decided not to go to the pharmacy today. I don't need the aggravation. I will deal with them on Monday and I still plan on filing a complaint about that particular staff member - he's been rude to us before. So I went on my merry way to find an i-dog or something even better - turns out that store has been sold out of i-dogs for quite some time and I was able to get a refund and go to a store in the same strip mall and buy Miss Jess two - yes TWO video games for the price of the refund. I was also able to pick up the items for my neighbor and take them to her.

Tonight as I was getting Jessica ready for bed she was quite tired and started getting cranky. Oh no, I thought, I just can't deal with another night like last night. It took every ounce of my energy the night before to keep myself under control and help her calm down just to have her start crying over something else. Why do I have to keep going through this I wondered. Why can't I have a normal life? Why can't I have a full night's sleep and not worry that my daughter is going to get up needing my help with something? Why can't I have a life where I can pack up my kids and travel "home" to visit? Why can't I be like my family and friends who can take nice vacations with their kids or even go on field trips and not worry that their kid might start coughing up blood, get too blue to breathe or be in incredible pain? I started getting down on myself that I can't even keep my house clean and I'm home almost all the time! I was able to get Jess to bed and came to relax at the computer. I have some pretty great friends online and it helps cheer me up to be able to communicate with other moms - even if they live far away and our main means of communications is typing to each other.

Then I found the message about Self-Doubt and Jealously. I didn't even realize until I read that message that I have been entertaining those gals at my house. In fact, I even invited their sister, Self-Pity. These gals have been living it up in my home and have even invaded my daughter's room. How did they sneak in? Who opened the door? I guess that doesn't matter as much as how am I going to get rid of them. I will not ask them politely - I will just throw them out. Every time one of them sneaks in and whispers something into my ear I will tell her to go away. I don't need them. I have Self-Confidence, Gratitude and Faith to take their places. I have the ability to count my many blessings and remember the many miracles that I have blessed with. I have seen miracles and I can teach my daughter as well as my sons how to use Self-Confidence, Gratitude and Faith to be their constant companions. My long-lost buddies, Personal Prayer and Scripture Study need to be welcomed back into my home too.


kismet said...

Hi Nancy,
I surfed over here from Mel's blog when I saw your lengthy comment.
Isn't it amazing how God works? You needed to hear what Mel had to say and God facilitated that.

I am in wonder over your story and plan to read your archives to 'get to know you'.



Nancy said...

K, thanks for stopping by. It really is amazing how God works. I've had a much better day and got a chance to go to church for a little while.

Mel sent me a nice email. She seems like such a sweet gal and her readers seem great too. Do you have a blog that I can read to 'get to know you better' too? :-)

jenny said...

Wow, Nancy, what a great post. Thanks for your honesty, and I wish I was there to carry the burden a bit.

I have been inviting the same long lost buddies back too...:) What a great comfort they bring to us!

Terri said...

when I start to worry myself SICK ... I have to remind myself to have FAITH IN GOD ... and that it's the devil trying to shake me.
Whenever I allow scary thoughts in my head... I pray.

falwyn said...

How funny, I found and was struck by that post too, right before I read yours today.

Like you need more to do, but the library has a book called Feeling Good that I'm reading right now. It has some great tools to use when fighting the negative thoughts...

Kismet said...

Sorry, I thought I gave you that info but I guess I didn't.

Please do come and visit.

Glad you had a better day.


Mary said...

Your faith in God and YOURSELF never ceases to amaze me. I am praying that God will give you an extra special expression of his love for you. Love you!

GoofyJ said...

Hey Nancy, you go girl... toss those trouble makers out. :) I think it is important for all of us to remember that we are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us and not let the negative tear us apart. You are an amazing person, keep carrying on. *hugs*